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BornToFly's Relationship Advice V.14
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VikingsFan51


Joined: 08 Dec 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So tonight I kind of majorly screwed up. So I wrote a couple of weeks ago about a girl that I had been talking to. Basically, I thought we had hit it off really well, but then she stopped talking to me and I thought that was it.

Fast forward to tonight: I was at the bars with some of my friends, and a pretty attractive girl comes onto me. As we were talking, she mentioned how she was waiting for her friends and etc. Of course, who is her friend? It's the girl I was crushing on a couple of weeks ago. At this point I'm fairly hammered, so I say goodbye to this girl and tell her to have a good night. The girl starts to kiss me, and we end up making out in front of the girl I had liked. I end up separating from her but later run into the girl I have a thing for. I noticed that she didn't look too happy, and here's how the conversation played out:

Me: "Hey, I notice you look kind of upset, are you OK?"
Her: "Well, I noticed that you were making out with my best friend."
Me: "Wait, she was your best friend? Oh [inappropriate/removed]. Look, I'm so sorry. If I knew she was your best friend I would not have even been talking to her."
Her: "Yeah but you knew that she and I at least knew each other but you still made out with her."
Me: "True, but I have two things to say to this: One, I'm hammered right now and I'm not thinking clearly. Two, I was under the impression that you weren't interested in me. When we hung out two weeks ago I was under the impression that we had hit things off really well--"
Her: "Yeah, I did too..."
Me: "OK then, but then why did you stop talking to me all of the sudden? I thought we had great chemistry."
Her: "Yeah we did, but right now I'm just not mentally ready to date somebody."
Me: "Look, [her name] I like you. I've liked you ever since we hung out two weeks ago. Even if you don't want to date right now, I'd still love to hang out with you and honestly, me making out with your friend was a huge mistake."
Her: "I believe you. You're a really nice guy and I think you're great but I'm not sure I'm ready for anything."
Me: "That's totally fine with me, but I at least think we should hang out before we decide that things can't work out."

And that was basically the end of the conversation. We were at the same bar for the rest of the night. She was sober and was her friends' DD (she actually told me "hey my friend [the girl I had hooked up with] is outside, maybe you should go talk to her?" I told her that I didn't want to talk to her friend and that I wanted to talk to her.) I ended up staying with my friends and after the conversation I didn't talk to a single girl.

Eventually, I sent her this text later in the night:
"[Girl's name] -- if there's even a 1% chance that things could work between you and I, I want to make every effort to make that work. I want to apologize for what happened tonight because I was operating under the assumption that things between us were hopeless. I have completely sobered up at this point and I regret what happened, and yet if there's even a 1% chance that things between us could work please let me know because I would make every effort to fight for that to happen. I made a terrible mistake tonight, but I'd hate to leave these regrets on the table."


I'm 90% sure she was asleep when I sent that last text.

I'm pretty sure that I messed up (even though I'd argue that I was a victim of just really, really unfortunate luck), but I got a vibe from this girl that leads me to be more optimistic than I would otherwise. What do you guys think? Obviously, right now the ball is in her court. There's not much more else I can do other than wait to see if I get a reaction. I guess my question is more about your reaction to what happened and if you guys are nearly as optimistic as I am.

Thanks bros.
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scar988


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So girl gave you vibe that it was hopeless. you made out with her friend. You did nothing wrong. She should have told you she liked you and wanted to date you. Tell her to not play mind games. That if she wants you and wants to be with you to take advantage of it.
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Tooki


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 9:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with scar. Your crush seems like she is playing games, and is bitter because you made out with her friend.

You are in the right here. Your crush appeared to loose interest in you, and you kissed her friend instead. If she wants to be with you, she needs to get her **** together and commit to you.
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Jetsman82


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 9:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

scar988 wrote:
So girl gave you vibe that it was hopeless. you made out with her friend. You did nothing wrong. She should have told you she liked you and wanted to date you. Tell her to not play mind games. That if she wants you and wants to be with you to take advantage of it.


It's not your fault, you had no idea. If anything, she should be mad at her friend, who probably knew.

Good luck.
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BrettWolfe


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 10:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BornToFly wrote:
BrettWolfe wrote:
BrettWolfe wrote:
Here's a background of this girl I've been talking to, and I need some help with this one:

We both go to Ohio State and I met her through my roommate, who has an ASL class together with her roommate. Her roommate invited my roommate and I to a party they were having, and she introduced me to her roommate, who is this girl I'be gonna explain about. We didn't really talk at the party, just kinda did our own thing and what not. I thought she was cute at the start, but didn't see anything happening. When I told her my name, she thought it was "bryan". So i was off to a good start....

My roommate and I ended up going to their house again one night so he could talk to his friend from class, and she was there. Again, no one on one communication. But like 2 weeks later, my roommate txted me and said the girl thought i was cute and all that stuff. So i added her on facebook and we've been talking. Everytime she wants to hang out, it's at this bar, which i love to drink, but thats besides the point, and she always wants to have my roommate there and her roommate there. like a group hangout. I want to see if she could be serious relationship material, since she's a nice girl and doesn't do one night stands, which i could care less anyways.

So I asked her out yesterday and said "are you interested in hanging out wit me, just us 2? like a movie, dinner thing?" and she said "yeah, thatd be nice Very Happy" So we have a date planned for next tuesday to go to dinner at this mexican restaurant and then go see a movie. But again, we've havent said more than 10 words to eachother in person, so idk how this is going to go. All the first dates I've been on have been with girls I've known and talked to before and hung out extensively before a date. So this could be considered like a "blind date" of sorts.

What are things to talk about? I don't want the conversation to hit the awkward silence phase and don't want to ask boring questions. Any first moves to show I'm interested that would not put her off? How do you tell if she's vibing with me? Again, all the girls I've gone out with before I already knew they liked me and I knew about them. Scary things man


Update for the people who care lol:

So like i wrote before, I went on a date to dinner with this girl last tuesday and i think it went well. She laughed, we chatted, and ended the date with a hug, not really knowing her interest. So like people wrote, I decided to sack up and start initiating the txt messaging more and asked her out again.

She said "okie Smile" which I guess is how she writes ok, but in a cute way. So we decided to go to see paranormal activity 4 tomorrow. (i know its been out for awhile and I've seen it, but she hasn't and wants to go) I really like this girl, but the vibe of her texting is that she's really short on txts and doesn't keep the conversation moving, so I have to do that. She drunk texted me last night, saying exactly "What're you goto Friday?" I asked her what the hell that meant and she was like "idk haha". so I was on her mind when she was drunk, so I THINK that's good.

I DO plan to go for the kiss after the date, but obviously its hard to get rejected when you put it out there. But I'll man up and show my true intentions, which is to date her. She had a serious boyfriend and it seems like they've been broken up for a while, so she's probably over him, hopefully.

How do I gauge her interest in a relationship? I'd like to put it out there that I'm looking for one, but don't want to come off so strong quickly. If she wants to be friends, then I'll move on, but still be friends I guess.


I think sometimes, you just gotta put yourself out there and ask. If she isn't feeling the same, just chalk it up to the chemistry not being right, no more no less. Act as if it's not a big deal, you just wanted her to know how you were feeling. That's the easiest way to gauge her interest. Otherwise, look for clues, flirtatious texts, or if she wants to keep texting you even after you think the convo is done, her demeanor while she is with you, is she getting in real close by you while walking, playing with her nervously, etc. Honestly though, if she is going to a movie with you, there is at least a little nit of interest. How did it go?


Instead of actually going out on a movie date, we decided for her to come to my house and watch a movie since my roommates were leaving later to go see Twilight (with their dates) and the girl had a test in the am, so couldn't stay out long. So I meet her halfway between my house and her apartment (remember we live right by campus so walking isn't a bad means of going places).

We come back and I walk into the house wit all the lights off, 3 candles lit, and a keith urban love song playing Laughing I had no idea my roommates would do that, so i was caught off guard and whatever. so we watched a movie wit my roommates and they left after maybe a half hour. Pretty much, the date was all watching a movie and talking, being goofy (mostly me, b/c that's who i am), and laughing. It was late, so I decided to drive her home and figured I would walk her to her apartment and then go in for the kiss.

I pull up and she pretty much says "thanx for the ride and I'll ttyl" and jumps out. I was like "ummm ok" haha. So i txted her yesterday saying I had a good time and I enjoy hanging out with her. She agreed and plans to come over tonight for another movie.

TODAY, boys and girls, is when I will be major aggressive and go for the kiss and try to establish where we are at. Its a 3rd date, and if you haven't kissed a girl after then, congratulations, you just made a new friend!

Also, I guessed she told her roommate about the candle thing and said I blushed and stuff and the roommate brought it up in her American Sign Language class where my roommate is also in. Just a footnote.
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Superman(DH23)


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 10:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

NextBigThing wrote:
NBT is having an epically bad day, but this problem takes the cake. Not so much as question for advice but a rant. I doubt anyone remembers my story, but long story short, my girlfriend and I were friends for about 7 months, than became very close for about 7 months, then started hooking up in addition to being very close for about 6 months. All the while, she had a boyfriend of 5 years (we were both 22 at the time). There were then 2 months of 'problems' with said boyfriend. Afterwards, she began officially dating me, and has been been for the previous 7 1/2 months; we considered are legit anniversary to be about 15 months ago. Things are going very well, being objective, by and large, between the two of us.

Only problem we have had is due to her past boyfriend. He is a good guy, but her fam & his fam are very close, so her cheating on him obviously created issues. But, over the spring, summer, and thus far, things seemed to be working out well. I know her family likes me plenty, like to see her happy. But, that didn't stop what happened last night.

As I said, her fam and her ex's fams are good friends. Every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas, the two families would meet up for dinner somewhere. It has been a yearly thing they do. Since the break up, they have gotten along fine though the relationship was obviously kind of awkward/strange. Her mom reached out the other mother a few days ago about setting a date for it, though it would only be the parents. The mother asked to meet up, and they did last night. I guess she broke down, claiming her sons really struggled to understand why what happened to him happened to him, and the parents feel very sorry for him. I feel sorry him. His mother said the parents still liked my girlfriends parents, but unfortunately felt they were 'condoning' her behavior, and said they no longer thought they could be friends, out of respect for their son. One could say it is on him to get better, but I think he was in a shizzy situation and he has my sympathy, and I understand his parents.

After this, my girlfriends mother feels horrible, and agrees with her. She is a very nice, pleasant person, but to her husband (and within earshot of younger sisters) last night, she was ranting that they had raised a whore. That her decision to lead him & be with me is just morally unacceptable and wrong under god (they are not overly religious, but they do believe). She was saying that they failed as parents by raising a daughter open to being that way; and called her the BF's mother late that night to apologize, and insist that they will have a talk with their daughter over the thanksgiving holidays. This went over well with said boyfriends mom. They are going to try and have them 'reconnect' over Thanksgiving.

It has nothing to even do with me, it's the life she had before for so long changing causing problems. I know her Father thinks NBT >>> old guy, but he is no alpha either. Her mother likes me personally, and i know would be extremely embarrassed if she knew that I knew.

Obviously, this has made my girlfriend upset, and I hate this because she is not going to fight with her Mother. She is not going hate fer family, she is going to understand them. I feel like I cannot even bring up the idea that her Mother is being ridiculous. There is a bit more to it, all pointing the same direction. She has felt badly about it for as long as we have dated, but this today she is feeling it hardcore, its making her feel 'sick' because she thinks everything being said is true and justified, and I live an hour away at the moment. My girlfriend is an unconditionally nice and understanding girl, she is very outgoing and friendly & does not have a bad bone in her body. If they try and guilt her, it will get to her and I know it, and I almost wrong trying to say her Mothers being absurd.

How does one maintain their understanding, empathetic, kind, warm values in a situation like this one? How does one stay completely cool in a situation like this one?How does one not get angry, because I am just not an angry or spiteful person. How does one focus on what they have & stay optimistic?

Aside from that NBT's entire entry level class was let go this morning, including myself. I get back to my desk to see my cell phone erupting. SMH.
First of all you need to be honest w/ yourself about the situation, what she did was morally wrong, she CHEATED w/ you. Its natural that her parents are going to feel that way, and they may very well like you, but it doesn't invalidate their feelings on the situation. However it would be equally morally wrong for them to intervene and try to reconnect your gf w/ her ex. You don't need to intervene between your gf and her parents, just talk to her, let her vent to you. Don't get upset about the situation just understand that everybody is in a tough position. She put the families in a tough position b/c of the choices she made, she put you in a tough position b/c of the choices she made, you put her in a tough position b/c of the choices you made. Now you both have to live w/ the consequences of those actions. This isn't about who's right and who's wrong, its about dealing w/ the reality of the situation. If you love her then just be there for her when she needs you, if she loves you she'll handle the issues w/ her family w/o your intervention. If she can't handle the problems w/ her family then that's an issue she has to deal w/. If you try to take control and be more than just someone to listen she will ultimately resent you for it. She's a big girl and this is just something she has to deal w/ herself.
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deeluxx3


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

VikingsFan51 wrote:
So tonight I kind of majorly screwed up. So I wrote a couple of weeks ago about a girl that I had been talking to. Basically, I thought we had hit it off really well, but then she stopped talking to me and I thought that was it.

Fast forward to tonight: I was at the bars with some of my friends, and a pretty attractive girl comes onto me. As we were talking, she mentioned how she was waiting for her friends and etc. Of course, who is her friend? It's the girl I was crushing on a couple of weeks ago. At this point I'm fairly hammered, so I say goodbye to this girl and tell her to have a good night. The girl starts to kiss me, and we end up making out in front of the girl I had liked. I end up separating from her but later run into the girl I have a thing for. I noticed that she didn't look too happy, and here's how the conversation played out:

Me: "Hey, I notice you look kind of upset, are you OK?"
Her: "Well, I noticed that you were making out with my best friend."
Me: "Wait, she was your best friend? Oh [inappropriate/removed]. Look, I'm so sorry. If I knew she was your best friend I would not have even been talking to her."
Her: "Yeah but you knew that she and I at least knew each other but you still made out with her."
Me: "True, but I have two things to say to this: One, I'm hammered right now and I'm not thinking clearly. Two, I was under the impression that you weren't interested in me. When we hung out two weeks ago I was under the impression that we had hit things off really well--"
Her: "Yeah, I did too..."
Me: "OK then, but then why did you stop talking to me all of the sudden? I thought we had great chemistry."
Her: "Yeah we did, but right now I'm just not mentally ready to date somebody."
Me: "Look, [her name] I like you. I've liked you ever since we hung out two weeks ago. Even if you don't want to date right now, I'd still love to hang out with you and honestly, me making out with your friend was a huge mistake."
Her: "I believe you. You're a really nice guy and I think you're great but I'm not sure I'm ready for anything."
Me: "That's totally fine with me, but I at least think we should hang out before we decide that things can't work out."


You did nothing wrong...at all. She was being wack. She can go cry about it by herself for being a typical girl and wanting to play games and try to string guys along and then drop the "Im not ready for a relationship bla bla bla garbage"

If I were you, I legit would have given her the Kanye shrug after her second after she said "yeah, I did too..."



All you had to do was be liek...well that's too bad SORRY BOUT ITTTTTT

If I were there and witnessed that I would have dapped you up in a second!!!

If I were you, I'd ditch this girl and not talk/text her again. She doesn't know what she wants, and she expects you to play along with her games. There will be more girls that you will have chemistry with...let's just hope they aren't as clueless as this chick
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Silver&Black88


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

deeluxx3 nailed it. She's into that BS and props to you for not just sitting there and taking it.

And if I were you, and she kept being like this, I'd go back to her bff for seconds Cool
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 3:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

VF51, at one point in my life I might have reacted similarly to you so I won't chastise you. However, at this point in my life, I would never apologize for that and would probably have followed through with the other girl. Girls only act that way because we let them. Just sayin.
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Jetsman82


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NextBigThing wrote:

That's a tough one. The important thing to convey to your girlfriend is you do not, and have never doubted her moral character. To be honest, that will probably fall on deaf ears if it's against what her parents are saying, but it's important she feels she has someone on her side at least.

The only thing I can think of that would help is if she explained why things have happened as they have to her parents. Perhaps things didn't happen in the most desirable way, but it's important to point out she didn't go from him to you on a whim. You guys have (as far as I know) a great connection and it's not like you guys just hooked up once or twice and that was it. You guys have been together a long time now. You could say you guys did the wrong thing for the right reasons.

Good luck, really. Hope it works out for you.
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jetsman82 wrote:
You could say you guys did the wrong thing for the right reasons.


Thats pretty much all that will be said. My biggest concern is that I dont want anybody feeling guilty. For real there has been moooore than enough of that. I am going to be very annoyed if her Mother doesnt get cold feet.
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VikingsFan51


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JohnChimpo wrote:
VF51, at one point in my life I might have reacted similarly to you so I won't chastise you. However, at this point in my life, I would never apologize for that and would probably have followed through with the other girl. Girls only act that way because we let them. Just sayin.



That's a good point. When I woke up this morning I had the thought that I really had nothing to apologize for.

Anyway, she sent me a text today saying it wasn't a big deal because she knew we were both drunk. I responded that it was an unfortunate circumstance but that these things happen.

Overall, I'm not tripping at all. I think it was one of those circumstances where I made the girl jealous but since we weren't anything she didn't really have a right to be angry. I'm fairly sure this isn't going to go anywhere, but it's a learning experience and it's not like she was my only option. Plus I still pulled last night so overall it was a great situation.
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Silver&Black88


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

VikingsFan51 wrote:
JohnChimpo wrote:
VF51, at one point in my life I might have reacted similarly to you so I won't chastise you. However, at this point in my life, I would never apologize for that and would probably have followed through with the other girl. Girls only act that way because we let them. Just sayin.



That's a good point. When I woke up this morning I had the thought that I really had nothing to apologize for.

Anyway, she sent me a text today saying it wasn't a big deal because she knew we were both drunk. I responded that it was an unfortunate circumstance but that these things happen.

Overall, I'm not tripping at all. I think it was one of those circumstances where I made the girl jealous but since we weren't anything she didn't really have a right to be angry. I'm fairly sure this isn't going to go anywhere, but it's a learning experience and it's not like she was my only option. Plus I still pulled last night so overall it was a great situation.


You just went up a notch in my book for saying that.
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

VikingsFan51 wrote:
So tonight I kind of majorly screwed up. So I wrote a couple of weeks ago about a girl that I had been talking to. Basically, I thought we had hit it off really well, but then she stopped talking to me and I thought that was it.

Fast forward to tonight: I was at the bars with some of my friends, and a pretty attractive girl comes onto me. As we were talking, she mentioned how she was waiting for her friends and etc. Of course, who is her friend? It's the girl I was crushing on a couple of weeks ago. At this point I'm fairly hammered, so I say goodbye to this girl and tell her to have a good night. The girl starts to kiss me, and we end up making out in front of the girl I had liked. I end up separating from her but later run into the girl I have a thing for. I noticed that she didn't look too happy, and here's how the conversation played out:

Me: "Hey, I notice you look kind of upset, are you OK?"
Her: "Well, I noticed that you were making out with my best friend."
Me: "Wait, she was your best friend? Oh [inappropriate/removed]. Look, I'm so sorry. If I knew she was your best friend I would not have even been talking to her."
Her: "Yeah but you knew that she and I at least knew each other but you still made out with her."
Me: "True, but I have two things to say to this: One, I'm hammered right now and I'm not thinking clearly. Two, I was under the impression that you weren't interested in me. When we hung out two weeks ago I was under the impression that we had hit things off really well--"
Her: "Yeah, I did too..."
Me: "OK then, but then why did you stop talking to me all of the sudden? I thought we had great chemistry."
Her: "Yeah we did, but right now I'm just not mentally ready to date somebody."
Me: "Look, [her name] I like you. I've liked you ever since we hung out two weeks ago. Even if you don't want to date right now, I'd still love to hang out with you and honestly, me making out with your friend was a huge mistake."
Her: "I believe you. You're a really nice guy and I think you're great but I'm not sure I'm ready for anything."
Me: "That's totally fine with me, but I at least think we should hang out before we decide that things can't work out."

And that was basically the end of the conversation. We were at the same bar for the rest of the night. She was sober and was her friends' DD (she actually told me "hey my friend [the girl I had hooked up with] is outside, maybe you should go talk to her?" I told her that I didn't want to talk to her friend and that I wanted to talk to her.) I ended up staying with my friends and after the conversation I didn't talk to a single girl.

Eventually, I sent her this text later in the night:
"[Girl's name] -- if there's even a 1% chance that things could work between you and I, I want to make every effort to make that work. I want to apologize for what happened tonight because I was operating under the assumption that things between us were hopeless. I have completely sobered up at this point and I regret what happened, and yet if there's even a 1% chance that things between us could work please let me know because I would make every effort to fight for that to happen. I made a terrible mistake tonight, but I'd hate to leave these regrets on the table."


I'm 90% sure she was asleep when I sent that last text.

I'm pretty sure that I messed up (even though I'd argue that I was a victim of just really, really unfortunate luck), but I got a vibe from this girl that leads me to be more optimistic than I would otherwise. What do you guys think? Obviously, right now the ball is in her court. There's not much more else I can do other than wait to see if I get a reaction. I guess my question is more about your reaction to what happened and if you guys are nearly as optimistic as I am.

Thanks bros.


Why sabotage a girl making out with you because her friend blew you off two weeks ago?

Seems dumb.
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maes


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Silver&Black88 wrote:
VikingsFan51 wrote:
JohnChimpo wrote:
VF51, at one point in my life I might have reacted similarly to you so I won't chastise you. However, at this point in my life, I would never apologize for that and would probably have followed through with the other girl. Girls only act that way because we let them. Just sayin.



That's a good point. When I woke up this morning I had the thought that I really had nothing to apologize for.

Anyway, she sent me a text today saying it wasn't a big deal because she knew we were both drunk. I responded that it was an unfortunate circumstance but that these things happen.

Overall, I'm not tripping at all. I think it was one of those circumstances where I made the girl jealous but since we weren't anything she didn't really have a right to be angry. I'm fairly sure this isn't going to go anywhere, but it's a learning experience and it's not like she was my only option. Plus I still pulled last night so overall it was a great situation.


You just went up a notch in my book for saying that.


VF51 has like a 5:5 chill to pull ratio.
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