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BornToFly's Relationship Advice V.14
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BornToFly


Joined: 08 Jan 2006
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Location: SE Wisconsin
PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BrettWolfe wrote:
BrettWolfe wrote:
Here's a background of this girl I've been talking to, and I need some help with this one:

We both go to Ohio State and I met her through my roommate, who has an ASL class together with her roommate. Her roommate invited my roommate and I to a party they were having, and she introduced me to her roommate, who is this girl I'be gonna explain about. We didn't really talk at the party, just kinda did our own thing and what not. I thought she was cute at the start, but didn't see anything happening. When I told her my name, she thought it was "bryan". So i was off to a good start....

My roommate and I ended up going to their house again one night so he could talk to his friend from class, and she was there. Again, no one on one communication. But like 2 weeks later, my roommate txted me and said the girl thought i was cute and all that stuff. So i added her on facebook and we've been talking. Everytime she wants to hang out, it's at this bar, which i love to drink, but thats besides the point, and she always wants to have my roommate there and her roommate there. like a group hangout. I want to see if she could be serious relationship material, since she's a nice girl and doesn't do one night stands, which i could care less anyways.

So I asked her out yesterday and said "are you interested in hanging out wit me, just us 2? like a movie, dinner thing?" and she said "yeah, thatd be nice Very Happy" So we have a date planned for next tuesday to go to dinner at this mexican restaurant and then go see a movie. But again, we've havent said more than 10 words to eachother in person, so idk how this is going to go. All the first dates I've been on have been with girls I've known and talked to before and hung out extensively before a date. So this could be considered like a "blind date" of sorts.

What are things to talk about? I don't want the conversation to hit the awkward silence phase and don't want to ask boring questions. Any first moves to show I'm interested that would not put her off? How do you tell if she's vibing with me? Again, all the girls I've gone out with before I already knew they liked me and I knew about them. Scary things man


Update for the people who care lol:

So like i wrote before, I went on a date to dinner with this girl last tuesday and i think it went well. She laughed, we chatted, and ended the date with a hug, not really knowing her interest. So like people wrote, I decided to sack up and start initiating the txt messaging more and asked her out again.

She said "okie Smile" which I guess is how she writes ok, but in a cute way. So we decided to go to see paranormal activity 4 tomorrow. (i know its been out for awhile and I've seen it, but she hasn't and wants to go) I really like this girl, but the vibe of her texting is that she's really short on txts and doesn't keep the conversation moving, so I have to do that. She drunk texted me last night, saying exactly "What're you goto Friday?" I asked her what the hell that meant and she was like "idk haha". so I was on her mind when she was drunk, so I THINK that's good.

I DO plan to go for the kiss after the date, but obviously its hard to get rejected when you put it out there. But I'll man up and show my true intentions, which is to date her. She had a serious boyfriend and it seems like they've been broken up for a while, so she's probably over him, hopefully.

How do I gauge her interest in a relationship? I'd like to put it out there that I'm looking for one, but don't want to come off so strong quickly. If she wants to be friends, then I'll move on, but still be friends I guess.


I think sometimes, you just gotta put yourself out there and ask. If she isn't feeling the same, just chalk it up to the chemistry not being right, no more no less. Act as if it's not a big deal, you just wanted her to know how you were feeling. That's the easiest way to gauge her interest. Otherwise, look for clues, flirtatious texts, or if she wants to keep texting you even after you think the convo is done, her demeanor while she is with you, is she getting in real close by you while walking, playing with her nervously, etc. Honestly though, if she is going to a movie with you, there is at least a little nit of interest. How did it go?
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BornToFly


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

scar988 wrote:
NextBigThing wrote:
scar988 wrote:
just something to keep in mind guys:
I told you. You don't love someone because of their looks or their clothes or their car. You love them because they sing a song only your heart can understand.
― L.J. Smith


youre trying to find someone who you will like waking up next to, not just taking to bed. Wink

dk where i heard that one but i liked it

bingo. I'm 24. I'm done with the one nighters. I want something more and it's hard to find.


scar, i can't remember, have you ever tried online dating?
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scar988


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BornToFly wrote:
scar988 wrote:
NextBigThing wrote:
scar988 wrote:
just something to keep in mind guys:
I told you. You don't love someone because of their looks or their clothes or their car. You love them because they sing a song only your heart can understand.
― L.J. Smith


youre trying to find someone who you will like waking up next to, not just taking to bed. Wink

dk where i heard that one but i liked it

bingo. I'm 24. I'm done with the one nighters. I want something more and it's hard to find.


scar, i can't remember, have you ever tried online dating?
I had, it was stupid though. This one I met at a bar but it was watching football (mutual interest, she's a Falcons fan too so that's awesome.) lol
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BornToFly


Joined: 08 Jan 2006
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Location: SE Wisconsin
PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NCOUGHMAN wrote:
dam just had the official breakup conversation. i sware from age 19-31 it still hurts the same. but when one door closes 3-4 usually open.


Sorry to hear that NC....but you have the right attitude about it going forward. Just take some time for yourself. No need to rush into anything.
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BornToFly


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Russell2Bailey wrote:
SadLionFan00 wrote:
Russell2Bailey wrote:
I give up. I'm hopeless.


#ForeverAlone


You'll be married within the next year.
I've never had a girlfriend. Or kissed a girl. Or did the dirty. I'm 19.


It's not as uncommon to be in your position as you are making it out to be. I promise. In fact, it's quite normal IMO. Keep your head up, see if any of your friends girlfriends have friends to hang with. Donate your time somewhere where there could be people your age around to socialize with.
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BornToFly


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NCOUGHMAN wrote:
JohnChimpo wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
JohnChimpo wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
dam just had the official breakup conversation. i sware from age 19-31 it still hurts the same. but when one door closes 3-4 usually open.


Keep your head up bro.


i was ready to go but a part of me still kinda likes her


That's natural. From everything you said, you didn't sound happy and that's what matters.


she's been texting me like crazy today saying she wants to come over and get her stuff this weekend. i told her naw im done with her but id take it to her sis house. then shes all like you dont want some make up sxxx? first on monday she said she was busy this weekend. now all of a sudden she is available wtf. it never fails they wait till its over and you leave then they act like they want you so dam bad.

whats the deal with the make up sxxx? she isnt the first ex thats said this. why do chicks do that?


makes things more complicated and confusing. Don't fall for it.
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BornToFly


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dus10 wrote:
Okay, this stems from a post I read in the moral-soundbar-thread.

Question:

If a married woman willingly cheats with a single man who knows that she is married do you feel the man is in the wrong? For the sake of this question let's say that the single man in question is not "friendly" with the wife nor the husband. They met out and about, she did not hide the fact that she was married yet things still were taken to that level.

Do you think the man in this scenario is scum?


I think they are both wrong. Her maybe a little more than the guy, but really, I am a believer in do unto others what you want done to you. You wouldn't want it done to you? Don't do it to someone else.

It's one of the biggest way to hurt someone emotionally. ( The cheater themselves ) I don't know why people do it. I know there can be many factors and confusion involved, but it's best to avoid it at all costs.
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playmaker8267


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If mama ain't happy, nobody happy. Just be there for your gf and be supportive, and be understanding of her mom also. You kind of have to play both sides here.

Good luck NBT, sounds like a really tough situation to navigate.
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NextBigThing


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Calibucsfan wrote:
Ok...I cannot believe I am trying this but I will take any advice that gets thrown at me...and will also try to stay within the forum rules. I am going to refer to this female as "X" so I dont have to keep saying that girl or something like that. And I will keep this as short as possible:

Back in March, I met this girl(X) and did not think anything of it. We met at six flags, she was a mutual friend. A week later, my friend told me that she was asking about me, wondering where I go to school and all that. I didn't think much of it because I was not looking for anything. But then my friend told me that she was abstenite for over 3 years. Jokingly I told my friend that I bet I can break her. 3 weeks later it turns out into a full on bet. I asked to get her number and we ended up going to eat dinner the same week. Later on, I took her to Universal City Board Walk to chill for a night. A week later, I invite her to my pad to watch a movie, we popped open a bottle of Bacardi..I won the bet. Only thing is...I did get a little attached to her at this point. So we keep kicking it with each other for about a month. I asked her out, she says yes. So we start dating, everything going good. But then I remembered, that my friend knew that I only got with her in the first place because it all started with a bet. This actually starting haunting me. But I always hoped that my friend would never come back to stab me in the back like that. So we date from May until the end of July. End of July I get a call from her, she found everything out. My friend did what I litterly had nightmares about...backstabbing me and telling her everything(and actually over exaggerated and also told her I had 3 side girls which I didn't). She was really heartbroken because she told me that prior to that, she thought of me as the best guy she has ever been with.....and I honestly felt the same way about her. But she broke it off...I cant lie I was crushed and mad. So we didn't talk for 2 months then she broke silence and hit me up asking me how I have been doing. But she kept the convo short. Overall by now she has moved on, and from what I heard she is already getting serious with another guy.


My problem is I have not moved on. I freaking hate this....
We have been broken up for almost as long as we have been going out...and I am still honestly stuck on her.

Before this, I was with a girl for 2 and a half years and got over her in a month, and even after I did think about her, but the thing is I could care less if she got with another dude and did things that she once did with me....cant say this about girl X

This girl, been 4 months since we been broken up and I still feel the exact same way about her as the days I was with her. It got to the point where I deleted her number from my phone to keep myself from acting dumb by doing something like getting drunk one night and busting a Marvins Room(if you guys dont know, that is a drake song)....


So the advice I need is how to move on faster. Because there is a 0% I will ever get her back, plus knowing my luck she probably met mr.right already.

I know meeting other girls and talking to them helps, and I did that but the problem for me is it just helps while I am actually with them in person, when I go home at the end of the day my mind is back on girl X...

And honestly its to a point where its getting unhealthy. My mind always lusts and recalls the times we used to have together and all that. I know thinking logically that this will not help me move on, and might actually make me regress....but the thing is sometimes I cant help it when my mind wonders especially on nights I cant sleep(which happens frequent).


I will take any advice I can get


Real, serious advice? I have been there. I have seriously absolutely been there. In the moment you think you are fine, but as soon as it ends, it's down hill. It is stupid to suppress feelings. Seriously, it is the last thing you should be doing. It is pretty obvious your inability to get over is telling you something.

I have never been a believer in 'forcing' things. I was once told to 'force' myself to get over someone, but that is like forcing yourself out get into someone. If the feelings are legitimately real, it never works like that.

It seems pretty obvious you really like this girl. I do not know what you have done since she found out. But me personally, I wouldn't give up so easily. Obviously you want to feel better, and obviously you do not want to become a creep. She reached out, but kept it short. I bet she still cares, she is just limiting herself. She may have just felt bad for you, but given how it ended, it sounds unlikely.

I think we need more details.

I don't know how you handled her ending it, but what it comes down to is you have ton convince girls that you are not going to hurt them/they can be emotionally open with you, and depending on the girl, they need to know that you are not going to embarrass them.

Again, do not know how you handled it when she broke it off - but if it was so good for you that you cant get over it, I wouldn't give up so easily. It is not saying that you are an idiot, or a bad person, or you are stupid. So many guys make the mistake of thinking its about them. It is in a way, but it is always about how the girl feels. If she is really on your mind, tell her. Do not be creepy, like "I cant stop thinking about you" or something. Just be sweet, be...creative. Be honest.

I was in a similar spot, and I decided to give it one last hail mary, and went ham on it. & it worked. As I would advise you, if it doesnt work, then its time to move on. If you are hellbent on the just moving on, ok, but I would say that such strong feelings are worth one last shot.

You just need to say things different than what she is expecting. Be nice, be sweet, be respectful. Catch her off guard, and you can change her mind. Approach it from a different angle. This will sound cheesy, but it worked for me. I wrote something quite long, but something like-

"Your decision is your decision, and I respect it. You were more than justified it ending it with me, you deserve better, and I am sorry to have let you. I have to live with knowing I made such a stupid bet which ended up costing so much. But, without that bet, I never would gotten to know you, I wouldn't have been able to taste the feelings I felt; the great feelings I felt when I was with you, are the miserable ones I have felt since. This isn't 'grass is always greener on the side', this is the life style I used to live, and that you made loathe. The changes all felt so natural at the time, and I long for them to return. They were ones I had never wanted prior to getting close with you, feelings I didnt think I would like.
But it is just useless for me to do deny any longer; nothing has compared to the you, and the way you made me feel when I was with you, and I mean it as much as I can. Efforts made to get over you have been massive failures, because I am just not interested in anyone else, because I have a new standard which nobody can measure up to. I cant 'play' anyone, least of all myself, into thinking anything other than I miss you terribly, every single day and night, regardless of who I am with. I cant feel the way I feel about you towards someone else, and I cannot fool myself into feeling any other way. I couldn't ever mean you harm again, not even close. I only see and think of you one way; the best ways I could. You made me feel so differently than I have in the past, I cant get past it.

I just want you to know that despite, all the justified feelings you have towards me saying the opposite, your initial thoughts of me were the right ones. The opportunity to prove to you that you made me grow into someone different, who I really liked being, would make me as happy as I could be. If you do not want to talk to me, do not feel any pressure to do so. I just could not feel right with myself not saying something, I cant hold it in. You are worth it, there is no way I can deny it. I dont want you to feel pressured or anything of that sort, I just needed to say this. "

You should personalize it and make it a bit more clever but I would make those points, elaborate & if you want help, ask here. Life isn't a movie, but at the same time, girls like that kind of stuff as they find it to be honest. If youve already said things like that, than I suppose you are out of luck. Moving on just takes time depending on how attached, lots of time. Distractions might make the time easier, but that wont speed it up. The only advice one could give is 'dont do it next time'.

Seriously though, i never wanted a GF. It kind of catches you off guard. Its not a joke, the person making you feel that way is just legit. Dont think differently.
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Last edited by NextBigThing on Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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BornToFly


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JohnChimpo wrote:
NBT, all you can do at this point is be supportive of your gf. You cannot try to turn her against her mother. That will surely backfire, but you already know that.


agreed. NBT, I'm sorry you and your girlfriend are having to go through all this. Hope everything turns out alright.
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jetsfan4life51


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

scar988 wrote:
BornToFly wrote:
scar988 wrote:
NextBigThing wrote:
scar988 wrote:
just something to keep in mind guys:
I told you. You don't love someone because of their looks or their clothes or their car. You love them because they sing a song only your heart can understand.
― L.J. Smith


youre trying to find someone who you will like waking up next to, not just taking to bed. Wink

dk where i heard that one but i liked it

bingo. I'm 24. I'm done with the one nighters. I want something more and it's hard to find.


scar, i can't remember, have you ever tried online dating?
I had, it was stupid though. This one I met at a bar but it was watching football (mutual interest, she's a Falcons fan too so that's awesome.) lol


I hate online dating. If the girl in fact does respond it's only one or twice.
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NextBigThing


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

playmaker8267 wrote:
If mama ain't happy, nobody happy. Just be there for your gf and be supportive, and be understanding of her mom also. You kind of have to play both sides here.

Good luck NBT, sounds like a really tough situation to navigate.


Thank you. Im going to go see her tonight. My thing is, I dont want any of this.

If she feels bad, I dont want to be her boyfriend. How do I prevent her from feeling bad without turning on her family? Lame lame lame.
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Russell2Bailey


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

NextBigThing wrote:
Russell2Bailey wrote:
I think part of my problem is I don't have many friends, I don't go out much, or have much of a social life. I don't have ways of meeting people. Financially I'm great. This lonelyness is just overtaking me.


What are your hobbies and interests? What do you like to spend your free time doing?

#1 for a lot of people on message boards to make friends, to be frank, would be to post less on forums. Lack of social interaction would spur the type of outreach required.
I like football, my 2004 mustang cobra I've sunk half my life earnings into, and the modern day cinema. I do go on here too much. That's for sure. Other than that. Laughing
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Troy Brown


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

GOT COLD FEET SORRY THX THO NBT
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NextBigThing


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 2:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dont overthink it bro. Just do whatever worked, don't change it if it aint broken. If you being yourself will make it all come back to her like she is in a celine dion music video, you dont want to blow it by acting totally different than shes accustomed.

im not saying wing it, but...wing it. feel it out. are you sure her interest in frat guys isnr just daddy issues?

frankly if it goes well enough, just tell her how you feeling. say you only bought a way ticket so...that sucks for her guess shes stuck there Wink
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