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BornToFly's Relationship Advice V.14
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JohnChimpo


Joined: 29 Jan 2009
Posts: 5059
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My friend's reason for proposing to his now wife after 2 months of dating:

"I knew she was going to be the best looking girl I could get so I had to lock it down."

I definitely would advise against that line of thinking. Lol.
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NCOUGHMAN


Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 14827
Location: Stockton via East Palo Alto
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

fretgod99 wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
yea being 31 im kinda on some now or never type of stuff and i recognize thats part of the problem. time def isnt on my side anymore and im ready for the whole married life. but i dont want to marry the wrong one and be stuck. the deeper the relationship gets the more im thinking can i be content wife-ing this chick, cause im not a cheater. i know if im not totally satisfied then im going to leave.
This isn't a particularly healthy attitude to be going into a marriage with. You're essentially setting yourself up for divorce before too long.

If you're worried about being happy long-term in a marriage, excellent! Don't base your decision off of physical characteristics if long-term is your concern. Personality. Do you see eye-to-eye on most things? Can you have interesting, engaging conversations? Do you enjoy spending time together? When one of you is upset, how do you two handle it? Can you have disagreements and discussions about serious topics without creating fights or volatile arguments?

All of those questions are infinitely more important to the long-term success of a relationship than physical characteristics. Which, again, is not to say that physical attraction is not important, because it certainly is.


thats why im the last of my friends to be married Laughing im not into divorce which is another reason im not married yet. i almost got married last year (another long story lol) but that kinda shook me up.

-i ask myself those ?'s and more everyday and its yes to everything except seeing eye to eye on a few issues but thats natural i think. trust me im not as shallow as you guys think i am.
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green24 wrote:
NCOUGHMAN > all of you


Raider X wrote:
This is football, not pussology 101
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Superman(DH23)


Joined: 03 Jan 2008
Posts: 19212
Location: Abdi on the sick sig
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NCOUGHMAN wrote:
Superman(DH23) wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
JohnChimpo wrote:
True, but you're obviously attracted to her anyway though since you're already dating, right?

Or did you just settle for the first thing that came along after your busty ex dumped you? Wink


i thought about this idea all night.
Here's the ? I have to ask you, is it really about that, or is it maybe, just maybe, about the committment you think you might be moving towards? I have to think you aren't a complete [inappropriate/removed], so I'm thinking there is probably something deeper here.


yea being 31 im kinda on some now or never type of stuff and i recognize thats part of the problem. time def isnt on my side anymore and im ready for the whole married life. but i dont want to marry the wrong one and be stuck. the deeper the relationship gets the more im thinking can i be content wife-ing this chick, cause im not a cheater. i know if im not totally satisfied then im going to leave.

btw she isnt perfect either. i prolly should have mentioned this but long story short. met her in the end of may. we talked for a month and finally kicked it in july and everything was perfect. my bday came up in aug. she said she would cook me steak etc etc cater to me the whole 9.she goes m.i.a. and i dont get a call or nothing till about a month later.

i cant lie i took it hard and it took me a while to get over her and when i finally did we run into each other again at the mall. she said she lost her phone and my # and the reason she was m.i.a. was because her ex's dad died (both families are hella close so it was family pressure also) and the ex asked her to console him etc etc. she said nothing happened and she figured id be pissed so she didnt try to come to my house (she knew where i lived). she said she hella missed/loved me and was hella sorry etc etc i believed her and i took her back. i forgived but i didnt forget.
Now I think we are really talking about the issue. You have doubts b/c you felt your trust was violated and you haven worked thru it yet. This is something you should really talk about w/ her. Tell her how you feel, 100% honest. Talk about the issue that both of you have let sit and fester for a while now and the reality that sits before you now. Let her know you are having doubts about the long term health of the relationship b/c you are worried that she is going to disappear again. You guys really need to have a talk about where you stand w/ each other and decide if the trust can be repaired. But sitting on the issue and hoping it goes away won't solve anything, trust me on that.
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NCOUGHMAN


Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 14827
Location: Stockton via East Palo Alto
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JohnChimpo wrote:
My friend's reason for proposing to his now wife after 2 months of dating:

"I knew she was going to be the best looking girl I could get so I had to lock it down."

I definitely would advise against that line of thinking. Lol.


whats why i knocked my baby mama up 9 yrs ago. she was blk, asian and mexican (never seen a combo like that before). super exotic and super fine but super crazy lol. had to learn the hard way.
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green24 wrote:
NCOUGHMAN > all of you


Raider X wrote:
This is football, not pussology 101


Last edited by NCOUGHMAN on Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:40 pm; edited 1 time in total
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NCOUGHMAN


Joined: 25 Mar 2008
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Location: Stockton via East Palo Alto
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Superman(DH23) wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
Superman(DH23) wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
JohnChimpo wrote:
blah]


i thought about this idea all night.
blah blah.

blah blah
Now I think we are really talking about the issue. You have doubts b/c you felt your trust was violated and you haven worked thru it yet. This is something you should really talk about w/ her. Tell her how you feel, 100% honest. Talk about the issue that both of you have let sit and fester for a while now and the reality that sits before you now. Let her know you are having doubts about the long term health of the relationship b/c you are worried that she is going to disappear again. You guys really need to have a talk about where you stand w/ each other and decide if the trust can be repaired. But sitting on the issue and hoping it goes away won't solve anything, trust me on that.


we def talked about it and she says she loves me. i told her my issues and she just tries to reassure me that it wont happen again. i just cant put my guard down just yet.
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green24 wrote:
NCOUGHMAN > all of you


Raider X wrote:
This is football, not pussology 101
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Superman(DH23)


Joined: 03 Jan 2008
Posts: 19212
Location: Abdi on the sick sig
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NCOUGHMAN wrote:
Superman(DH23) wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
Superman(DH23) wrote:
NCOUGHMAN wrote:
JohnChimpo wrote:
blah]


i thought about this idea all night.
blah blah.

blah blah
Now I think we are really talking about the issue. You have doubts b/c you felt your trust was violated and you haven worked thru it yet. This is something you should really talk about w/ her. Tell her how you feel, 100% honest. Talk about the issue that both of you have let sit and fester for a while now and the reality that sits before you now. Let her know you are having doubts about the long term health of the relationship b/c you are worried that she is going to disappear again. You guys really need to have a talk about where you stand w/ each other and decide if the trust can be repaired. But sitting on the issue and hoping it goes away won't solve anything, trust me on that.


we def talked about it and she says she loves me. i told her my issues and she just tries to reassure me that it wont happen again. i just cant put my guard down just yet.
Do you love her? Do you think you 2 can rebuild the trust in time? Those are the questions you need answers to, and unfortunately, nobody on this board can give those to you.
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Blink


Joined: 05 Aug 2011
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Location: Denver, CO
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Physical attraction is certainly important, and its also worthless. Its hard to love someone you aren't attracted to, and its impossible to love someone you are attracted to but can't stand on a personal level.

I've been with the same woman for years, I love her more than anyone in the world, but I honestly wouldn't be with her if she wasn't attractive to me, and I'm sure its the same for her.

Part of love is desire/passion/whatever you want to call it, and its so much easier to keep that strong when you look at her and think "damn". After all this time I'll still do whatever she asks me because I am powerless when she tries to be cute.

Obviously that is only a part of it, as you need to not only stand each others company but crave it.

There's different things I prefer in a woman physically, but the most important to me is what she looks like when she wakes up. Gotta love the ones that look good without even trying.
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NCOUGHMAN


Joined: 25 Mar 2008
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Location: Stockton via East Palo Alto
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blink wrote:
Physical attraction is certainly important, and its also worthless. Its hard to love someone you aren't attracted to, and its impossible to love someone you are attracted to but can't stand on a personal level.

I've been with the same woman for years, I love her more than anyone in the world, but I honestly wouldn't be with her if she wasn't attractive to me, and I'm sure its the same for her.

Part of love is desire/passion/whatever you want to call it, and its so much easier to keep that strong when you look at her and think "damn". After all this time I'll still do whatever she asks me because I am powerless when she tries to be cute.

Obviously that is only a part of it, as you need to not only stand each others company but crave it.

There's different things I prefer in a woman physically, but the most important to me is what she looks like when she wakes up. Gotta love the ones that look good without even trying.


very true. very true. are you married? if so how did you know she was the one? if not then whats holding you back? if i may ask
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green24 wrote:
NCOUGHMAN > all of you


Raider X wrote:
This is football, not pussology 101
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Blink


Joined: 05 Aug 2011
Posts: 721
Location: Denver, CO
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not married yet but that's just a matter of time. We've talked about it plenty. I'm going to ask her to marry me when I'm done with school, we want to be more financially stable before we tie the knot.

I knew pretty early actually. The day to day stuff is just so easy with her. We mesh well as both of us are pretty laid back and we get over the little things easy. I'll just list a few of the many reasons I love her:

She loves football. We actually met at a party, she was talking to someone about Brett Favre and I immediately interrupted her conversation with "Brett is a fing traitor" which sparked a lengthy debate.

She bought me Battlefield 3. Before we were even officially dating, she knew I was disappointed blockbuster didn't have it. She understands I like videogames and doesn't mind if I play.

I mentioned it was easy. We can have fun just sitting around watching tv or just taking a walk around the city.

The biggest thing though is she really is my best friend. I'd rather hang out with her than anyone else, which I guess sounds weird to people but its true.
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Superman(DH23)


Joined: 03 Jan 2008
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Location: Abdi on the sick sig
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blink wrote:
Not married yet but that's just a matter of time. We've talked about it plenty. I'm going to ask her to marry me when I'm done with school, we want to be more financially stable before we tie the knot.

I knew pretty early actually. The day to day stuff is just so easy with her. We mesh well as both of us are pretty laid back and we get over the little things easy. I'll just list a few of the many reasons I love her:

She loves football. We actually met at a party, she was talking to someone about Brett Favre and I immediately interrupted her conversation with "Brett is a fing traitor" which sparked a lengthy debate.

She bought me Battlefield 3. Before we were even officially dating, she knew I was disappointed blockbuster didn't have it. She understands I like videogames and doesn't mind if I play.

I mentioned it was easy. We can have fun just sitting around watching tv or just taking a walk around the city.

The biggest thing though is she really is my best friend. I'd rather hang out with her than anyone else, which I guess sounds weird to people but its true.
Not weird at all man, when you popping the question?
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Blink


Joined: 05 Aug 2011
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll probably ask after Christmas. Have to wait for her parents to come to town for Thanksgiving so I can ask her father for permission.

Thankfully her family loves me so I'm not even slightly worried about that.
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Superman(DH23)


Joined: 03 Jan 2008
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blink wrote:
I'll probably ask after Christmas. Have to wait for her parents to come to town for Thanksgiving so I can ask her father for permission.

Thankfully her family loves me so I'm not even slightly worried about that.
Is she old fashioned, or you?
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NCOUGHMAN


Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Posts: 14827
Location: Stockton via East Palo Alto
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blink wrote:
Not married yet but that's just a matter of time. We've talked about it plenty. I'm going to ask her to marry me when I'm done with school, we want to be more financially stable before we tie the knot.

I knew pretty early actually. The day to day stuff is just so easy with her. We mesh well as both of us are pretty laid back and we get over the little things easy. I'll just list a few of the many reasons I love her:

She loves football. We actually met at a party, she was talking to someone about Brett Favre and I immediately interrupted her conversation with "Brett is a fing traitor" which sparked a lengthy debate.

She bought me Battlefield 3. Before we were even officially dating, she knew I was disappointed blockbuster didn't have it. She understands I like videogames and doesn't mind if I play.

I mentioned it was easy. We can have fun just sitting around watching tv or just taking a walk around the city.

The biggest thing though is she really is my best friend. I'd rather hang out with her than anyone else, which I guess sounds weird to people but its true.


must be nice. congrats tho
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green24 wrote:
NCOUGHMAN > all of you


Raider X wrote:
This is football, not pussology 101
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ramsgoooo


Joined: 21 Sep 2007
Posts: 2020
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just an update, were bf/gf now Smile 11/01
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DalCowboyzRule wrote:

Sorry bout it, Oakland. You can enjoy your 1 playoff win and then get back to losing 85 games next season.

Was said in 2012^^
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BigBillsFan13


Joined: 31 Dec 2008
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Location: So Cal
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ramsgoooo wrote:
Just an update, were bf/gf now Smile 11/01

Congrats bro! All the best to you and your new gf!
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